


Steam

by EponineFaye



Category: Chenzel - Fandom, Wicked RPF
Genre: Adorable, Angst, Drama, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Heartbreak, Love, Wicked - Freeform, chenzel, fanzel, idina, kristin chenoweth - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 00:04:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1366651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EponineFaye/pseuds/EponineFaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt from Tumblr: I won't quote it exactly because it kind of gives the whole latter half away. Chenzel - Idina's POV - possible reason for Kristin leaving. I do not own these women's lives. They are just beautiful and thinking of them in love with one another makes me all twitterpated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steam

Sometimes standing in the hot water, letting the steam billow around you is like inviting fog into your mind. Things can weave together, separate as they may, fall apart, and it doesn’t seem so harsh.  
  
Images flash between big strong hands pulling me down or holding me to a dark, muscular chest - then blonde pooling around my collar bone, or little squeaks and giggles drenched in blue light. I can feel the perfectly manicured nails trace up my thigh and the rumble of a deep, husky laugh under my ear like they’re connected.  
  
The only difference is the space between last night and months ago.  
  
When I open my eyes, the reality of the situation catches me off guard every time.  
  
Taye. I’m with Taye now. And that’s fine.  
  
He’s such a good guy. He loves me so much. “They seem so happy together.”  
  
And sure - as long as I’m entertained between some sheets or kept excited through conversation and mindless activities - hikes and runs and going all different places, I’m satisfied. As long as I have something else to focus on, I can do it.  
  
But the minute I roll over after one or both of us are spent, whether his arm is around me or not, I’m  
 thinking of her. I think of glitter sticking on her skin that she can’t possibly scrub off, and her jasmine shampoo.  
  
And as much as I think of the little warm sensations, the cold glances and halfhearted smiles and in rush the tears out of nowhere.  
  
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.  
  
Maybe showering from now on should just be used to get the green off and not blundering around my mind like I could possibly figure anything out.  
  
I go back to scrubbing my face and hands - my chest is already red and irritated from the rest of this week. My hair feels oddly strangled even as the water runs through it, like the wig cap is still on.  
  
I grab blindly for the sponge, but grab the pink one instead. I need to throw this damn thing away - it’s not like I need it in here anymore.  
  
_"I want to spend more time with you."_  
  
I put it down, sinking under the water again after I take in a large breath.  
  
_Kristin just smiles - not like she does at fans, or when Norbert tells a joke. Not even like when her mom calls. Her eyes get a little wider and her mouth looks like it’s made of plastic as a tiny huff of a laugh escapes._  
  
_And immediately I’m hurt. I look away slowly as my arms start to cover my chest. All of the sudden I feel exposed despite our nakedness for the past hour._  
  
_And I see her stretch from the corner of my eye, yawning like she’s tired. But she doesn’t get tired. She stays up for days without fading._  
  
_I know my place well enough to sit up and start looking for my clothes, slipping on my underwear and holding myself as I search the ground for where everything else landed._  
  
_"Where you going?"_  
  
_"Home." I flat line._  
  
_She just stares from the bed, sheet only half covering her and there she lays - propping her head up with one arm and the other draped over her waist in perfect confidence. “You don’t have to.”_  
  
_"You seem tired."_  
  
_"I’m not."_  
  
_I pull my shirt over my head, wanting more than anything to be gone and not have to subject myself to this._  
  
_"What’s wrong?"_  
  
_"I don’t know."_  
  
_"Yeah ya do."_  
  
_I just look at her shrugging and shaking my head, then my eyes go anywhere else like I’ll find words to say that I know need to be said._  
  
_"Come back." Kristin pouts out her bottom lip and sits up._  
  
_"Don’t do that."_  
  
_"What?"_  
  
_"Being cute and acting like everything’s fine."_  
  
_Her head shifts back on her neck._  
  
_I almost explain. Almost._  
  
_Instead I just go back to collecting my shit and trying to leave as soon as possible._  
  
_"What’s going on with you?"_  
  
_"Fuck off." I say quietly, not really meaning it as means of attack, but as defense._  
  
_Her mouth drops open like that’s the most I’ve ever offended her. “Fine - leave.”_  
  
_"Stop getting offended like you want me here!"_  
  
_"Who says I don’t?!"_  
  
_"Stop it." I shake my head._  
  
_I shimmy my pants on and head for the door._  
  
_"Idina…" Kristin jumps out of bed and tries to get in front of me. "Talk to me, come on."_  
  
_"Why?" I shrug. "You’re not going to listen to me and I’ll be wasting my time… just like now."_  
  
_"So I’m a waste of time?"_  
  
_I have to swallow down tears again. “No! I’m wasting my time thinking you’ll ever want me as more than this! You’ll never actually want something with me outside of this show, and it’s not worth hurting myself anymore.”_  
  
_I try to move around but she’s right there, blocking the door. “What if I did?”_  
  
_"You don’t." I start blinking faster._  
  
_"You don’t know that!" Her eyes are wide for some reason - the blue showing like pure color full of almost-fear._  
  
_I just shake my head at her again. “You know that. Stop fooling trying to fool yourself, because you’re not fooling me.”_  
  
_Kristin grabs my jaw, pulling me into a kiss that can only be described as desperate. She only pulls away to wrap her arms around my shoulders and look into my eyes that I’m sure are all read and watery by now. “I want you here - I’m just not good at relationships, Dee.” She shakes her head but smiles while her eyes stray down my neck and chest again. “Stay. Give me a chance to show you.”_  
  
_"Your chances have been the last year and a half over and over again." I grab Kristin’s wrists and unhook her from my neck. "I left him for you, and you can’t leave your own head for me." My chin starts to quiver. Damn it._  
  
_Kristin just encases my waist instead. “Yes I can.” She rests her head on my chest just as I can’t hold the tears in anymore. “I’ll show you.”_  
  
_"I don’t believe you."_  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
_"No, you don’t!" I nearly throws her off of me, shrugging out of her hold quickly enough to cover my face cry cry. And suddenly I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about leaving things unsaid or not hurting feelings - I’m hurt. Why shouldn’t I say so?_  
  
_A long moment passes before Kristin folds her arms over her chest and takes a small step forward. “Dee..”_  
  
_"Please don’t." I’m sobbing. Then I wipe my face and try to look anywhere but at the blonde who’s so easily taken my heart. "Don’t say you love me because you think it’s what I want to hear - it’s not. I want to hear the truth, if for no other reason than to stop lying to myself like you COULD love me. Because I’m so in love with you I’ve put everything else on hold other than the things that involve you. But loving you is like jumping off a cliff, or dancing to music you don’t know! It’s like doing something stupid because it’s stupid, and even though you know you shouldn’t want it you know you’ll remember it." I take a shaky breath. Kristin opens her mouth, but I don’t give her the chance to speak. "Don’t! I don’t care! I don’t care what you have to say, Kristin! I don’t even know why I love you anymore! I’m just HERE to you. I’m just another body to fill your time, and take up space - I fill your bed. I’m just another somebody to make you feel like something, while I’m just TOO comfortable making myself feel like nothing."_  
  
_There’s almost more to say - there’s everything I’ve thought for the past.. I can’t remember how long anymore. But there’s no way to get it out. There’s no way to answer to the somewhat shocked face on the naked woman standing a few feet from me. It almost looks like she’s hurt._  
  
_I open the door, turning to form some kind of final thought - I’m not coming back, or don’t ask me to come home with you again - but it’s there. It’s hanging in the air all around us. I don’t need to say anything._  
  
_I just leave. I get in my car and hope I can get home without breaking down again._  
  
I leave my head tilted back but peek my mouth out of the tiny piping hot streams of water to breathe.  
  
All I want to do is kiss her. I just want one more time, if not to leave a better scar then to savor one last night of painful, pleasure-filled, self inflicted torture that’s with the woman I’m supposed to work with every day. As long as I just pretend like we’re just actors, acting together without any rhyme or reason, then I can breathe. Most of the time.  
  
I’m somewhat relieved when I look down and there isn’t any more green pooling at the drain.  
  
My towl is waiting for me like always and I squish the majority of the water out of my hair. I go through the motions - dabbing my body instead of roughly wiping the water droplets away like I used to. My skin is less irritated now. Well, for the most part. It’s hard to have the green painted on six days a week and not have little patches of dry skin here and there.  
  
She used to rub lotion on them for me while I read. She thought it was cute I liked to read before I fell asleep.  
  
He thinks it’s annoying.  
  
I shake my head roughly against the thoughts. Comparisons won’t do me any good when I don’t have anything to pick from - even if I did I’ve already made my choice.  
  
With the towel secure around my chest I open the door back to my dressing room. It’s colder than I want it to be, but I can just grab my clothes and-  
  
"Hey."  
  
My head whips around to look at her - makeup still caked on and hair pulled back into her high pony tail. She rules the world and she knows it.  
  
I hold my towel a little tighter. I don’t know why. “Hi.”  
  
She smiles like she’s nervous and excited all at the same time before she gives me a once-over. “Is this a bad time?”  
  
"Kinda." My face is blank, half because I don’t know what to do with it and half because I don’t know which of the many emotions I would chose to put there.  
  
She shrugs. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you-“  
  
"I know." I close my eyes before turning to find my clothes. "It’s been a minute though."  
  
"Not that long.."  
  
"Four months can feel like a long time."  
  
She hops off the chair and comes closer. I don’t look at her. I don’t want to look at her, but I want to look at all of her. I want to hug her to me and make  
her love me, but that’s not an option anymore.  
  
"I’ve been thinking about everything."  
  
"Good." I have almost everything and I’m rushing. I don’t want to have this conversation.  
  
"Can we sit down?"  
  
"Kristin, I need to get dressed."  
  
She grabs my wrist, and I’m forced to look at her. Her shoulders are tight and her eyes are wide like she needs this. “It’s important.” The corners of her mouth tip up and droop back down quickly. “Please.”  
  
I’m shivering. A little because I’m all wet, but mostly because I’m scared. I’m horrified and I hate my life.  
  
But I shove my bag to the side and sit - she sits next to me and adjusts herself.  
  
"I’m sorry." Her face is getting red. I don’t know if the tears that are rimming her eyes have been there and I haven’t noticed, or if they’re only showing up now.  
  
She takes one of my hands and tries to breathe out whatever anxiety it looks like she’s feeling, but she keeps looking to our hands.  
  
I squeeze my other hand so tight it hurts, and I almost think I crush whatever I picked up. I haven’t put my clothes down, just hugging them tighter to my body.  
  
"Idina, I’m sorry… for everything." She nods. "I’m not good at letting myself feel.. or showing people how I feel, and I don’t know how to tell you that I really do love you." She laughs and a tear falls down her cheek. She makes a high pitched noise as she whipes it away and tries harder to smile.  
  
Now my heart’s beating fast. I’m worried.  
  
"I’m in love with you and I don’t want to lose you."  
  
Her hand is gone from mine and I bring my free hand up and press it to my cheek like I’m trying to keep it attached to my face.  
  
Her voice is wavering now and she’s trying not to cry with everything she has. “I’ve been thinking about it, and about you and us…” She’s rifling around in her purse. And then pulls out a tiny box and keeps looking between it and me.  
  
Now my heart is racing. I can’t breathe. I feel the tears coming on, but I choke them down.  
  
"I mean it." She nods. Sincerity is pouring out of her and I hate myself. "I will work on everything, I promise. I’ll be exactly who you need me to be, and I’ll pull my head out of my ass and make you feel wanted, because lord knows every time I see you you send me to the moon." Her tears are free flowing now. She opens the box and there’s a ring in there. There’s a diamond on it and it’s looking right at me and I start sobbing too. "I don’t know how to propose to someone, because I never thought I’d be doing it, but here it is. I want you to marry me - or something like that. I want to wake up next to you again. And then over again every morning-"  
  
I hand my head as the sobbing gets to be more than I can control.  
  
"Oh, honey." She jumps forward and hugs me.  
  
I’ve never had this much hate for myself in my life. All I can do is shake my head.  
  
She pulls back and I can only imagine the look on her face. “Baby, you don’t have to say yes - I don’t want you to if you don’t want to, but I’m serious.” Her voice is cracking everywhere. “I’ve thought about this, I didn’t just DECIDE yesterday - I want to be with you.”  
  
"I can’t.." I choke out.  
  
She laughs a little. “That’s okay.”  
  
I just shake my head. I spend moments that feel like years trying to calm myself down. When I finally do, I find the words stuck somewhere along my esophagus. I have to take deep, intentional breaths before I’m able to look at her. “Taye.. ” Another wave threatens to show up. I shake my head, opening my hand and showing her the ring in it from the man who hadn’t a clue of my feelings for the smaller woman next to me. “He asked me a few months ago.. after we made up.”  
  
Her face falls. She just stares at it with her mouth slightly parted. The tears stop and her face seems blank other than the slight knit of her eyebrows.  
  
I feel the air in the room still as her head reclines, only slightly and a little tear rushes down the valley by her nose. “And you said yes.”  
  
It wasn’t a question, but I nod through my tears.  
  
I don’t know if she’s even breathing, but she wipes her face, puts her bag back on her shoulder and stands up. I feel like she’s going to say something, though her only action is to take the few, tentative steps to the table and set the little box down before turning to the door.  
  
But she stops.  
  
I see her lip start to curl under in the mirror.  
  
Then in a moment her lips are on mine and I kiss her back even though I’m still shaking - even though a few of my fingers are still clutching the ring she didn’t give me and the others are grasping at her jaw, not wanting her to go. But she pulls away and I’m left in a towel, not knowing how my life got this way. Not understanding how my heart is pulled in so many different directions.  
  
She’s out the door and I’m getting married in January.  
  
The next day it’s worse than before. If we aren’t on stage she isn’t anywhere to be seen. She forgot a few of her lines. She spaced out her blocking, or at least the scenes with her and I, and there were no words exchanged back stage.  
  
My heart squeezes in my chest every moment and he doesn’t notice - he only sees me and where we’ve always been, minus the separate partners here and there we won’t talk about.  
  
The week after I hear she didn’t sign the contract. She’s not coming back.  
  
I’ll be married and she’ll be doing what she’s always wanted - she’ll have the big screen all to herself and I’ll still have my little stage lights. But they won’t be as bright without her.  
  
As the weeks go on there are embraces here and there. But there aren’t words. She won’t kiss me. I don’t blame her. She probably blames herself, but I can’t blame her for my decision to say yes or to stay. But I can’t blame myself either.  
  
I just take shorter showers now, and speak enough about anything else so my mind can’t dig up images and words from the past that don’t mean what I want them to.


End file.
